I hit that wall this last Sunday with the behavior of Miles and it wasn’t pleasant. After a long day of discipline and constant motion, I had walked around the corner during a very brief spate of relaxation to see him with the cat’s tail in his hand and pulling this terrified creature with all his might. At this, I put him in time out and his tears began flowing. And, I started questioning all of my parental tactics. Earlier in the day, he had been slapping at his mom and I, along with throwing things. These are relatively recent, and terrifying Miles developments. And they make us nervous in our attempt to heal and mainstream our boy.
This whole cat tail pulling maneuver has happened quite a bit over the several years that Miles has been around him. And it just doesn’t stop. So, after this stunt, I was really in a bad way. Just questioning my parenting, therapy and the entirety of a process that feels unbelievably overwhelming. And as my emotions overtook my rationality, I had to ease back and go on a walk with Miles and Zen to just ease my brain and realize how good it really is.
On a very macro level, I understand that our creator/god gave us Miles according to how we live our lives, raise our existence and forage forward. Thus, we were given an enormous challenge with Miles because of the way we are and our overall disposition. As a result, we have a hard road ahead of us, but the incremental joys are blinding. I love seeing our Miles doing things that he has learned and watching the joy he infuses into the passing world when we are out in public. When he squirms at the delighted applause of us and therapists at a new task acquired, it gets me revved up in ways that few things in life can. And, when folks, particularly the older folks, smile and stop to marvel at this little box of energy puncturing their reality, I smile more at the coolness of a kid I call my son.
In the end, I dig what we are doing and have no doubt that it’s the most efficient use of our time and energy to get our boy adapted to this very complex reality we are in. And as time marches forward, the progress of autism funding and awareness is only going to bode Miles and us that much more. In this moment of calm, I merely wanted to point out something every parent has to deal with that tries as hard as they can to strive in this life in every possible way – and as each day ends, I know that my family and our collective energies will lead me to understanding that macro meaning of this life and that’s quite cool.